Leslie Odom Jr. · Original Broadway Cast of Hamilton
Verse of the day: “take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.”
Matthew 11:29
Rest. Something the entire world seems to put on the back burner of importance when thinking about their day. Especially in the United States, where productivity for the sake of economic gain and worth is prioritized. Where many of us feel guilty and ashamed if we do not produce or work on something in the span of 24 hours. Where we have to save up vacation days, or have no vacation days. Honestly, I believe that most of America doesn’t know what a true vacation or break or holiday is. It feels cut throat, especially with the ability to carry our work with us anywhere with a wifi connection.
So what happens when you can’t work? When you have to take a break? When you need REST?
This is the dilemma of about 1/3 of Americans who have a disability, mental or physical chronic illness. We cannot prioritize work or productivity. You would think “fake it til you make it” mantra would work for us; it doesn’t. It becomes fake it until you flare so badly you are either forced to rest, have a huge flare up of symptoms, or end up in the hospital. (and now have to hope insurance will cover that hospital stay or have some sort of income ready from all that over working to pay for it).
Rest has always been a hard concept for me to wrap my head around when it comes to being complex autoimmune. Even before my diseases have progressed to palliative care like they are now, I never prioritized rest. I used to be a ballerina, and it was taught that you can always strive for better, be better, do better. It was one more time ten more times only to stand on the side and rehearse even more until class or rehearsal is over. Perfecting any flaws by breaking down movement piece by piece over and over and over again. You never truly take a break from ballet. Until it breaks you.
The same applies to any chronic illness. You never truly get a break from being chronically ill. Sure, there are many treatments that may slow disease progress, minimize symptoms, and sometimes put you in remission. But treatment can only go so far currently. And even with the idea of personalized medication – we are still so far from this. So what do we need to do?
Rest.
Breathe
Take one day at a time. One hour at a time. One minute. One second.
Your health is not worth the societal pressure to constantly be working.
The body can only handle so much.
So, to everyone reading this: find a time in your day to rest. Truly rest. Take a break from the work and any other thoughts of things to do or need to be done. Schedule 5-10 minutes of your day for a break. Take time to nourish your body. Especially if you are chronically ill. Sleep. Take a nap. Take what you need. Cherish yourself enough to WANT to take care of it. You only have one life and one body. There is a time for everything, and that includes rest from the world.
Verse of the day: […] and who knows whether you have not come to the kingdom for such a time as this”
Esther 4:14
If it is not already known, I am a Christian. Meaning I have a personal relationship with God, Jesus is my Lord and savoir, and I have the Holy Spirit living in me. I don’t like to say I am one group of Christianity or another, as I know that regardless Christianity is a relationship between yourself and God. The Bible is the word and the word is Jesus.
This morning I was reading out of the book of Esther. Many people know the story of Esther vaguely Christian or not. But for those who do not – here’s my quick summary:
There is a King Ahasuerus who rules over this huge Persian area decides that he wants to throw a celebration lasting half a year. At the end of the celebrations he commands the Queen Vashti to come to be shown off to the province leaders. She refuses and King Ahasuerus throws a hissy fit – then his court advises that he de-thrown Queen Vashti and find a virgin, “someone better” to be the queen. The king, in his anger, listens to his advisory along with decreeing that all men are the masters of their own households.
The King also declares that all provinces send their most beautiful virgins so that he may choose a new queen. Enter Esther here and the uncle who raised her Mordecai; both of whom are Jewish. Mordecai tells Esther to hide the fact that she is Jewish for her own safety. She is chosen to be the next queen because the King likes her so much. Mordecai stays out of the Kingdom gates and is able to save the King overhearing a coup by the men of the court; message delivered via Esther.
Fast forward, Harman – one of the king’s close advisers – wants to hang Mordecai. They will not bow before the king and his royal subjects. He wants to hang Mordecai and has a decree that all Jewish people be slaughtered. Esther risks her life and tells the King she is Jewish and asks for an appeal to the law. The King is appalled by Harman’s doing but cannot revoke his decree because of some weird law back then; but he could decree another law that the Jewish people may fight back the genocide/purge Harman’s law. This ends up saving the Jewish people in all of the provinces.
Now, I left out a lot here and there’s definitely me condensing the story. If you want to read the full story it is only nine short chapters in the old testament. So why is this story important?
I feel as though a lot of people take this story to say “be like Esther” but that is not the case. People in the bible are not there to make us want to be like them, they are there to point to Jesus and God. Something Jesus is trying to say here is that even in extreme circumstance, there is only one true God, follow him and stand strong in your faith in him. Maybe you were placed where you are now for a moment like this.
So reading this and seeing the bravery, faith, and high stakes of dying, I can’t help but be reminded that even in the worst of times, God can use you. Jesus will never lead you wrong and is sovereign over all things. The tricky part is having that “faith of a mustard seed” type of trust in him.
This is where I struggle sometimes, because I have personally been afflicted with a mast cell disease. Insurance finally denied my stem cell transplant a couple weeks back. I am now sending off letters to appeal to them; I will likely start getting sicker and dying soon if I don’t get this covered. Knowing this, in the iconic words of Esther:
[…] If I perish, I perish
Esther 4:16
I have contentment in my heart about the appeal to insurance, but that doesn’t mean I am not scared during this process. I would be the first for mast cell activation to get a stem cell transplant. There are a handful of people that would benefit or even have their life saved if I am able to be the “lab rat” so to speak and survive this. Given I honestly should be dead right now (heart failure, chronic kidney disease, RA/lupus-like/auto-inflamatory/immune arthritis, adrenal failure, anaphylaxis more times than one can count, lung failure, high blood pressure, beating sepsis twice, bone marrow failure and mast cell disease to name a few). The hospital is almost like my second home. I can’t eat without risking the use of an epipen. I need a new immune system. I am not finished yet. I relate to this verse so differently now.
If I perish, I perish.
but also; maybe I was placed here for such a time as this. I get the stem cell somehow, and it not only saves my life; but others who suffer severely. I can proudly and boldly state that my healing is from the Lord. And if I die, my story still preaches and glorifies God’s name for what can be learned from my illness. This is my testimony.
I am currently in an insurance battle for an approval for my rare disease to be treated via a stem cell transplant. I am chronically ill with many different diseases, all of which can be connected as comorbidities.
Now what do I mean when I say comorbidities? A quick google search will give you the definition:
“the simultaneous presence of two or more diseases or medical conditions in a patient.”
But what does that actually mean? Well we know that there are many different systems in the body. Over time we have named these different systems individually such as our nervous system, the gastrointestinal tract, endocrinology system, musculoskeletal system, cardiovascular system, etc. This is why there are so many sub-specialties in the practice of medicine.
Say you have a headache or chronic migraines, you would want to see some sort of head specialist like a neurologist. Or if you break a bone you would want to see the orthopedist (bone doctor) or a surgeon who works on bones. Having trouble with digestion? You would want to find a gastrointestinal doctor or a nephrologist. Heart or blood pressure problems? A cardiologist would likely be your first stop to modern medicine help.
So as a society we have pulled apart the human body into these sub-specialty groups in order to better focus on a specific problem or issue that the patient is having. This system has worked well for the majority of the population for thousands of years. Because the majority of the population has a very easy time being placed and sorted into set boxes.
Many people accredit Aristotle to be one of the first scientists of the world. And I disagree with this statement personally. Here’s why: he was a great organizer, he was a great categorize-r. He put like things with like things. Where is the science in that? All he did was classify groups of things.1
Do not misunderstand me here though; as the classifications of everything Aristotle put together was an enormous feat for the time as his work spanned all human knowledge today. I am simply saying; classification and categorization don’t mean much when we live in a world that does not fit into one box. Especially with the practice of medicine. There is no exact science in medicine.
I boldly say that there is no exact science in medicine. This frustrates and ruminates in our heads. As patients, as medical students, as doctors, as insurance company agents, as simply being human. It is called practicing the art of medicine. If medicine was an exact science and each category we have placed our body parts into worked individually and independently from one another, then maybe we could call it a direct science? Yet we all know that to be an untrue statement.
For example: the brain uses glucose as a source of energy. In order for the brain to have glucose to use as energy, you have to eat food – the glucose. This connects the gastrointestinal tract with your head. This type of headache is cured by eating or drinking food.
Now, comorbidities with disease kind of work like this. Because the entire body does NOT exist in nice little separate boxes, but constantly intertwining in ways that we are still learning and discovering about.
Here’s a great video on my disease that can go further into detail of what I mean on this:
So as in hopes to have a better picture, Dr. Saperstein, world renown expert in the field of Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, breaks apart the pieces of a patient that has this condition. As we can see; the root cause is thought to be a defect in collagen production. That default in collagen affects more than one system in the body. Often multiple systems are affected but not connected right away because of our categorization system. Comorbidities do not fit into one box, and may seem totally disconnected from one another.
So tying this all together with me: I am a rare disease Ehlers Danlos Syndrome patient. I have nearly every comorbidity there could be for this condition. One extreme comorbidity that has disabled and destroyed my life is the condition of Mast Cell Activation Syndrome. For me, this has been so life threatening I have used countless epipens, been in multi system organ failure, and almost lost my life daily depending on what I put into my body. We have tried so many treatments at this point, and seeing world renown hematologist and oncologist and allergist to try and control my disease.
Hence the treatment of stem cell transplant being on the horizon, and me currently fighting insurance for an appeal to give me one. This is extreme treatment for a comorbidity of a disease we still know so little about, making it difficult for someone to want to cover such a “risky” procedure. I would be the first for mast cell activation.
So until we get this appeal I will be blogging life again. The ups and downs of my rare diseases, and explaining more about comorbidities of the different body systems.
Because this is worth fighting for. This is worth the research and education. If nothing else may my medical journey help prevent the severity or find a cure to all the comorbidities us rare zebras live with every single day.
So I have a secret. It’s a pretty big secret but I think it makes since why I have kept it a secret. I am 24 years old, and today my heme/onc out of Mayo Rochester, MN discussed a stem cell transplant with me being my next step in my treatment plan. And I 100% said yes to this. It is a very difficult decision to go down this road. Alongside the very aggressive chemotherapy I received for seven months that saved my life, the transplant almost outranks how scary and big of a deal this is for me. I never thought one could be terrified and full of joy and hope at the same time.
This is very extreme treatment. and typically a last resort sort of treatment plan for anyone like me. I know a am privileged to be starting the process of getting one, as after reading many mast cell patient’s blogs, a stem cell transplant seems like the holy grail of goodbye cytokine storm.
What’s crazy is that other conditions besides mast cell are allowing me to get the transplant in the first place. I had a biopsy o5/19/2022 and the results had so much on them that warranted a transplant, even more the mast cell disease. I know that I should never complain about getting results of any kind on a test, because many people with MCAS might never see an abnormal result in their labs for a lifetime. Yet six years living in epipen hell, I am finally and terrifyingly seeing the lab results on paper, living proof that I have been right all along. That every doctor that has gaslighted me EVER was wrong.
I figured I would try to update about the transplant process daily or weekly depending on how I am feeling. I also plan on getting one of those instant cameras or like mini printers so that I can have more of my life to see around me. A lot of my health care providers think I would do well with a video camera and vlog, but i think I might be too tired for any daily/weekly vlog of my life right now. But who knows? If you randomly see me on YouTube I caved.
I will revamp up this blog here soon, and hopefully my tbr for books. Likely mini reviews of books I am reading and what I am currently reading. If you want to start a book club let me know.
And that is all for today. As I am literally so exhausted from the conversation with my heme/onc. stem cell transplants are a lot to follow and process. I’ll probably write a post on what the procedure entails at some point. Until then here’s to wiping out my immune system and putting one of my siblings back into me.
In order to hold myself accountable for the books I buy and receive this year, posting monthly tbr list and hopefully my reviews of each when I get the chance.
A Flicker in the Dark – Stacy Willingham
Book of the month in December 2021, hopefully will read through quickly as my grandmother has the exact same book to read.
Chosen Ones – Veronica Roth
Dystopia-eque and sounded fun. Is my current read and was from a book haul at B and N. I’m only a slut for half price hardcovers and membership discounts there.
Fiona and Jane – Jean Chen Ho
Bookclub pick of the month, A BELLETRIST BOOK CLUB PICK, seems like a very good coming of age story from a culture I am not familiar with to begin with. Excited to expand my mind and world view on this one.
Do No Harm – Henry Marsh
been holding on to for a while, Benzene book-club pick for Jan/Feb. Neurosurgeon author
Being Mortal: Medicine and What Matters in the End – Atul Gawande
have been trying to read forever but keep getting interrupted. Want to sit and read in its entirety for once, hoping January I actually do.
I used to read a lot as a kid, and I start off by saying “a lot” as in I would read practically anything. Mostly books for sure, I was blessed by my older brother’s occupational therapist and mother’s strict rules of PBS educational shows ONLY, to be reading and understanding at a 5th grade level by the age of 4. Books, the ingredients in the shampoo bottle, instruction manuals, billboard signs, random comics, magazine articles, recipes to my favorite Christmas desserts, and the occasional news paper article or two. I would fly through book series, I think even at one point I read the entire Harry Potter series in less than a week. What I mean to say by this; reading is, was, and will forever be an integral part of my life.
Yet, as we all know, getting older sometimes makes us bookworms disconnect from reading for pleasure to reading as a balancing act in our lives. By high-school I was training 40+ hours a week at a professional ballet school, hopes and dreams of becoming a ballerina and leaving Arizona for bigger, grander stages. Those 40+ hours of dancing on my toes, only to increase when getting into the Joffrey Ballet School at age 16, quickly replaced any time that I had for leisurely reading. Reading books became a task to be checked off, a line on what appeared to be a never ending “to-do” list of homework from the college prep high school I went to. My reading slowly dwindled, what once was my only escape from reality as a child turned into yet another chore to move forward in society. The truth in that statement hurts my heart as I type it out now. I feel as though there are a lot of formally “gifted” kids out there that understand what I mean though.
Fast forward from 16 to now 23, I have found myself in the unique position where I can actually sit down and pick up a book again. Now, this circumstance was never part of my plan or idea of what I would be doing at age 23 by any means. Ask me at 16, would say by 23 I would be in a ballet company dancing all day every day. Ask me at age 18, I would probably start sobbing, as this was a very, for lack of a more appropriate term, crappy and shitty year for me. I had to give up dancing ballet professionally and was headed off to college. To study what? I had no idea. Former gifted child with an aptitude for just about anything I could read and learn, I started college as an English and Chemistry double major. I loved to read, and had recently lost my normal escape from reality dancing so I figured being an English major would give me a sense of comfort and normalcy as I transitioned from the ballet world back to the real world so to speak. I quickly learned that though I LOVED to read and write and consume book knowledge, readings for my English major specific classes felt a lot like the chore reading I had to do in high school just to graduate early. There was little sense of love and comfort in the selected readings of my two English classes that semester. I was utterly bored and sometimes vaguely disappointed in the selection of readings and the assignments that accompanied them.
So yet again I implore us to fast forward to now, June 2021. I have begun chemotherapy for my systemic mast cell disease, and during the treatment and all its cycles for the first time in a VERY long time, I have the mental capacity and space to read a book. Multiple books if I so pleased, as my only “job” right now during treatment is healing. Henceforth I have put together the idea of a “chemo TBR list” (TBR- to be read), documenting and reviewing all the books I have collected as my comforts over the years, and actually putting a dent into the massive list and pile that I have wanted to read for so long. As rough as chemo is, this has become something I can do in the “spare time” (more like feeling sick unable to move screens give me headaches and I otherwise would be sleeping) this form of treatment comes with.
So if anyone is interested, you can join me on the books I will be reading during my chemo season, reviewing, and potentially giving away as I de-clutter my shelves in my room. There will be a list posted here on the blog and plan on doing a mini video series on my tiktok @cortisol.queen and Instagram stories @cortisol.queen as well for the handle. Let me know if you all have any suggestions! I am also totally open for writing some reviews on this blog and making one book a month a book club read, where we can all read together.
So stay tuned! I plan on posting about the books I have read over the past two weeks here very soon, along with a list of titles I intend upon reading!
Join me in my reading through my treatments! Here you will find a master list of the books I am enjoying, along with reviews, read or not read, and a suggestion box for my next reads or books to be added.
“Tell the story of the mountain you climbed. Your words could become a page in someone else’s survival guide”
Morgan Harper Nichols
Hello readers, my name is Lauren Michelle. I’m a 23-year-old former ballerina, sometimes Chemistry major, and full-time medical zebra. And this is my blog for all things about being chronically ill as a young adult. I started showing signs of medical problems as a teenager, but had chronic illness take over my life as an 18-year-old during my first semester of college.
Dancing underground in NYC
Nutcracker Waltz
UGRADs
Chronic Illness
I have wanted to share my story and journey about being chronically ill for a while now, but I would be lying to say this task of starting a blog has been an easy feat. The difficulty has never come from inability to articulate what has happened in my life. If nothing else, I sometimes have the problem of oversharing. More so, I wasn’t sure if what I had to say on the subject would be received in an informative yet personal way. I have a lot of rare diseases that even doctors sometimes never see. What could I possibly share about this that my friends, family, peers, old co-workers and possible strangers find worth 15 minutes of their day to read?
I am a “medical zebra”
What exactly is a medical zebra though?
The term comes from the idea that when making a medical diagnosis, 9.99 out of 10 times if you hear hooves, the diagnosis is a horse. I’m that 0.01 out of 10 times that hooves actually mean a zebra. I have stuff going on in my body that a doctor may see once in his or her career, if ever. Most of the time I go to the ER the physician has to google my own condition. I actually have to tell the physician what works best for my body in some scenarios. It took us a long time to track this down as well. I’ve been misdiagnosed, written off, had almost every test done, re-diagnosed, and still baffle some specialists and professionals with my diseases. Which is why I have come to realize that I need to talk about this.
I stumbled upon the Morgan Harper Nichols quote at the beginning of this blog post while writing down doctor’s appointments in my monthly planner. (Yes, I am also that nerd who lives in her planner. Just because I am chronically ill does not mean I lost my type A personality.) The quote truly jumped off the page for me.
“Tell the story of the mountain you climbed. Your words could become a page in someone else’s survival guide”
Morgan Harper Nichols
Could my climb be a survival guide?
I wish I had a survival guide on becoming chronically ill as a young adult. Since I became chronically ill my life has been full of never-ending questions. When do I need to see a doctor? Is this a new chronic symptom or am I “normal person” sick? Can I do my classes with this? How do you register for disability resources? When do I use an EpiPen? Do I need to tell people I am chronically ill? What’s a medic alert bracelet? Do I need one? This medication is supposed to help with what? Will I ever get better? How much Benadryl are you supposed to take in a day? Is this pain normal? What specialist do I need to see next?
Spoiler alert, there may be obvious answers to some of these questions, but many are still open ended. There is no “one-size fits all” survival guide to being chronically ill as a young adult. But you can learn from other people who have gone through similar things. The mountains I have climbed I mostly have navigated on my own. It’s terrifying, full of a lot of twists and turns, and never linear. If nothing else I am an advocate for rare disease, and another voice to hear for those struggling to grapple with their own chronic illness.
It’s been 5 years of chronically ill Lauren Michelle at this point, and I am finally ready to talk about it.
I am a “medical zebra”
The Sleepy Chemist 